Far too long.

I really miss blogging.  I have so much to say I don't even know where to begin - I just read a few of my previous posts and it's funny how much things have changed.  My job is much better.  Those people who were so 'opressive' are gone now, thank God!  My boss is the guy I initially interviewed with, and I'm really happy for that...he's been great.  I have gotten a little stagnant here, I must say.  I do know many of the processes now, and I'm really happy I actually know what I'm doing for the most part.  I'm starting to think though, what is the next step from here...?

On another note, I find it interesting that I actually spoke with Caleb not too long ago.  And I am so over it.  Thank God, I was just about retarded (excuse the expression) for about two years after that ordeal.  We used to talk politics and religion all the time, and I find that now, we hold totally opposite views on each of those issues.  That was the last remnant of 'things I miss about him'.  And it is no more.  It was sort of a snarky conversation, and I felt that there were thinly veiled sarcastic comments offered up on his part.  For example, I was talking about not being Baha'i anymore.  My reasoning behind that is that although I really do want to believe in God, I  find it difficult to believe anything anyone says about the subject.  It's a powerful thing - if God really does exist and there is an afterlife, are you going to be a follower of a guy who purports to have a direct and divine relationship with God and has been ordained the leader of his own religion?  Whose words you read from a book?  Did you meet this man?  Did you see these miracles?  Oh you had a dream?  Could it possibly be because you are spending a lot of time contemplating God and his messengers and your subconcious converted that into a dream?  I am not saying religion is stupid.  I see the appeal.  I see how people can grow and become happy in their lives knowing that they have a generous and forgiving God who will always be on their side, through the words of Baha'u'llah, or Jesus, or whomever.  I just cannot fathom any God that the mind of man can comprehend - or take someones word for it.  How the fuck do we know?  Our knowledge is finite.  I do believe that science and religion should be in harmony, and I will take some wonderful tenants with me from the Baha'i faith.  I wish that I could be enveloped in ignorance and thus, bliss.  I do find a lot of it ignorant.  Like the whole "I don't believe in evolution" thing.  Really?  Or "religion should be a staple in our government" - no, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.  We should be free to practice whatever we want, but do not force it on me.  Don't you dare force it on me.  Keep the ten commandments in the courthouse, cool, whatever.  Merry Christmas to you, too.  I don't give a shit about that.  But it's when you try to change our public education, PURPOSEFULLY and IGNORANTLY tell me that we have to teach "intelligent design" in school, because, after all, evolution is a theory, too!  Well, that is because EVOLUTION is a SCIENTIFIC theory and INTELLIGENT DESIGN is a RELIGIOUS theory, and therefore should not be taught in schools.  Hey, parents, fucking teach your kids intelligent design at home.  When teachers teach evolution, they do say it's a theory.  Scared Christian parents: We are not teaching your kids that evolution is absolutely 100% proven or saying that God does not exist.  Get your heads out of your ass and talk to your kids yourself.

Wow that was a really long rant but I had to say it.  That felt good.

You probably shouldn't read this, unless you're really bored. Then it's okay.

Wow, I don't even know when I last updated.  Doesn't help that the HTML of my page omits the date information for each post.  I don't really know how to fix that...

I want to summarize the last couple of weeks, but I'm afraid that will be impossible.  Not that that much has happened...but the tectonic plates of thought are shifting.  Physically, I have been sleeping too little, working too much, and not taking care of myself at all.  I ran out of money and drank nothing but espresso (free, because I have the hookup) for two days.  And I wonder why I won't get over being sick?  Yeah, there's that, too.  According to my mom I must have one of the following diagnoses:  A) Bronchitis (okay, I will give her that), B)  Walking Pneumonia (I highly doubt it), or C) Lung cancer, just like Christopher Reeves wife (why specifically Mrs. Reeves, ask my crazy mother).  All I know is that I've been coughing up lungs for a month and I won't do a damned thing about it, due to a combination of me not giving a fuck and me being poor...and not knowing when my health insurance cards will come in.  Oh well.  I think I'm going this weekend with my mom.  I feel fine, I just can't stop hacking. 

Today was horrible.  Today at work was hell on Earth.  Okay, fine, it wasn't that awful, but I was so exhausted today that my entire demeanor was completely haywire.  Whenever I'm tired, the part of my brain that keeps rationality in check is the first to go.  I will try and explain this in a concise fashion:  My coworker jokingly (or was it jokingly?  I'm developing a conspiracy theory about her...) teased me that I didn't help anyone out, I only concerned myself with my own work and wouldn't pitch in for the team.  I've been feeling very uncomfortable lately around my coworkers, mostly because I have never been forced to spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week making conversation with people who would never be my friends in real life.  I don't know how to deal with this situation because I don't get them, and they totally don't get me.  (It doesn't help that they're practically BFF.)  Anyway, this has been wearing on me for a few weeks and since I was exhausted today, that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I just started crying.  I was sitting at my desk sobbing, and it was so pathetic, but I couldn't help it.  I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve for three weeks and I lose it at work.  I don't think anyone noticed, but I left before it escalated any more.  I cried in the bathroom and then went downstairs to have a cigarrette with Teresa.  Somehow she convinced me to wear some stupid name tag with her name on it, because it would be "funny" in my office.  No, shit like that is not funny in my office.  Shit like that could be considered "fraternizing with the enemy" in my office.  I got back in the elevator, and when the doors opened at my floor, my boss was standing right outside waiting for it.  She didn't think the name tag was funny.  And apparently she "had to go to a meeting" and had left a note on my desk for me.  Oh, lovely.  Good.  I've finally got this loosely under control and there's a fucking note. 

"Next time you take a break, make sure to keep it 10 min. or under.  See me!"

No.  I will not see you.  Every time some stupid, petty little matter pops up, we don't need to have a big dramatic heart-to-heart in your office with the door closed.  Fuck you!  Fuck you and your micromanagement!  I was gone twenty minutes, and not only is it the first time that's happened, but it was for a really good reason, namely, me not snapping at everyone and getting fired because I'd tell someone to play hide and go fuck yourself.  Luckily, she was gone for the hour and a half left in my day, reappearing one minute before I was about to walk out the door but instead of pulling me inside, went to her office to make a phone call.  That was my cue to slink away. 

That's pretty much the story of my shitty day.  It doesn't sound bad, and you're right, it could have been SO much worse.  It's just that I was so exhausted I absolutely lost my mind for four hours today.  I was so worried that I went into my other boss's office and asked him if he knew if I was about to get fired.  I shouldn't have done that, I don't want to show vulnerability in the workplace.  But he assured me that I was doing a wonderful job and that my other boss was just a little weird.   

It's such a catch-22, this job.  It's great for me - it's forcing me to grow up, develop some sort of normal social abilities - it's giving me an outlet for every thing that boredom let fester when I didn't have anything to do.  All of my stupid angst, bitterness, anxiety, I can channel into my job now.  Whenever something discouraging happens in my life, I work harder at my job.  (Sounds like the makings of a workaholic, which also is not a good thing, but it's a much better option, considering.)  I ask so many questions, I take notes, I take initiative, I take pride.  But I feel like all they're seeing is when I'm late, or when I make a mistake, when I ask a stupid question, or when I don't have anything funny to say.  Everyone says they hired me for my personality.  I don't know what they're talking about.  When I went into that interview I played the part of a chipper, innocent, cute little girl who had big dreams.  I can be all of those things, and I do have big dreams, although for what I don't know yet.  But I know I do.  They don't see that side of me anymore because all I can think about when I'm at work is how I can learn something, what I can learn next, how to make this better, how to impress them next.  When I'm typing up a report or working out forms, I don't speak;  I have my head inside the project and until I know it inside and out and learn these processes like the back of my hand, they won't see an ounce of who I am.  I feel like I've already tried to show them who I am, and they don't really like it.  They think they hired someone else.  I'm not free to be who I am, so I just become a machine.  Part of me finds some solace in that, being that my whole life has been composed of one long emo moment.  I come home and I get high so I don't have to touch my emotions any more, they were getting on my nerves.  I guess I've kind of become some sort of zombie, and I kind of enjoy it.  I do and I don't, I don't know.  The scary part is that even though all of this stupid shit that I'm bitching about right now is going on, I'm happier than I've ever been.  I guess it's easy when you don't have to deal with yourself. 

I need to see the Baha'is.  I strive for happiness, but knowing that my life is in constant motion toward the better is all I really ask for.  There's one thing I finally learned that's making life so much easier.  I've stopped worrying about things I can't change.  It's so simple, and I knew it, I just never put it into practice.  I still kind of suck at it, but for the most part, I'm learning from my mistakes and moving on.  So as long as I can stick with that, I think my life will keep improving.  But I think what will really improve it will be to reclaim my spirituality.  I've dragged so far away from the Baha'is, and they've been nothing but wonderful to me.  I miss God, I miss the people, I miss the feeling of hope and excitement for something that's worthwhile.  I'm scared though.  At this point of self-realization, I'm pretty much 100% sure I'm bi.  The Baha'is will love me just the same, why is so it hard to think God will, too?  I need them, and I need my religion back.  If I would actually take some responsibility and carve some time out of my schedule, I can do this.  I just need a push.  This is why I need Caleb.  I miss him so much.  It hurts so much that the only reason I can't see him is because of some contrived perception of what would happen if we were to actually have some form of relationship.  Who I was is part of who I am, but does not dictate who I will become.  I guess I'll have to figure this out myself.

It's days like today I really feel how lonely I am.  I finally figured out not to mistake caring for love.  I finally figured out that all I can do is be myself.  I finally stopped trying, because as far as I'm concerned, I don't have enough practice under my belt deciphering what real interest is.  If someone can't let me know how they feel, well then I guess I wasn't important enough to them.  And that's fine, because if I'm not important enough to someone, why would I want to pursue it?  I'm tired of being the instigator, because it snowballs into a pressurization chamber.  I get filled with excitement and false hope, and instead of letting things develop I pressure the other person into something.  Which is absolutely not the way any relationship should be.  So the next time I think about involving myself in something, it's going to be something that's worth it.  Something that I feel comfortable in, something where I don't have to do all the work.  Now that I realize these things, I also realize what slim pickings there are.  That's okay.  Max, I'm with you on the idealism. 

I needed to do some self-analysis; it's been a while and letting off steam feels really good.  I'll try and update again sometime soon, but considering it's 2am again and I will be just as exhausted tomorrow...it probably won't happen for a while.  I need some sleep, for real.

Currently Listening The Dresden Dolls By The Dresden Dolls Girl Anachronism see related

Heh-heyyy.  I'm back.  Life is crazy...and I'm sad I haven't been able to have my blogging time, as sad as that may be.  But, it's my outlet and I enjoy it, so whatever.

I cut and dyed my hair.  It is actually back to my natural color, which is amazing, because I've been shooting for that for a long time.  It's a little shorter.  Just enough to shape it up and cut off all the nappy ends that were split from over-processing.  But I like it.  I wish I could do something crazy, but unfortunately work won't let me do that.  Oh well.

I've been sick for a week, and I have no health insurance...but I think I've figured out a way to get some antibiotics...it'll be fine.  It started out as a cold, then was a sinus infection...and now I'm guessing bronchitis.  I don't know, this is pure speculation.  But educated speculation.  I still refuse to stop smoking, and have been, in fact, like a chimney.  Eh.  It'll be fine. 

So, last post I had a great, earth-shattering revelation, right?  Well, it's still a great, earth-shattering revelation to me, because putting it into practice changed my entire perspective on life and how I conduct my life - but - it's...kind of obviously not that easy.  I've been doing surprisingly well focusing on myself and moving forward, but stupid things are still pissing me off, and it's taking all I have to convince myself that I'm not failing at my goal.  I can't just snap out of it that easily.  There will be setbacks, hurdles, what have you.  I just...got so excited that I forgot it wasn't going to be flowers and rainbows.  Valery made me feel like shit the other day and I can't forget about it, it really struck a nerve.  One of my exes...may...or may not be seeing one of my good friends....and I thought I was over the person, but the second I realized something might be going on between the two, I freaked out.  And I have another crush and it won't go away.  I don't want to like someone, I want to forget about relationships, I don't even want to acknowledge their existence right now.  So...I'm going to have to do something to not think of them like that, and hope it doesn't reemerge?  Ach.  I'm frustrated.  And I'm being stupid, it's what I do.  I'll figure something out.  Surprisingly, my life is going like shit, and work is going well.  So I'm throwing myself into work, and everything I'm frustrated about in my illogical, fucked up head, I will channel into kicking ass at my job. 

Wow, I got real tired real fast.  I should never update tired.  It always ends up in a bitchy, low-self-image update.

I'll try and update again...soon.  Mmmkay.